I just realized it is 9/27. I missed 9/26. Oh I had a flat tire! That is actually a hilarious metaphor for the day. And I thought I needed a new tire but ultimately, the tire just needed to be repaired and not discarded. Oh shit, this is way deeper than it needs to be! 😂😂😂
(THE DAY) 9/26/2014 was the date my 13 year marriage ended so it has been a date that is stuck in my brain and I have always taken inventory of where I am at.
So here goes...
That day was one of the worst days of my life. I have just typed and erased what I wrote a few times as I don't even know how to summarize it. It is a blur yet so vivid. I remember showing up in Denver and my sister picking me up at the airport and I was just sobbing. I cry now and my chest starts pounding just thinking about that day.
(ONE YEAR LATER) 9/26/2015 - I remember just drinking a lot and ignoring any feelings and having a false sense of happiness that I was no longer married. Hooray!? I did it!? This was my denial year. I don't think I processed a single emotion. I just "had fun" and celebrated my new life. I also had a lovely boyfriend, the best boyfriend I ever had, but he was caught in the wreckage of me.
(TWO YEARS LATER) 9/26/2016 - This was when it really hit me. The magnitude of leaving my husband and the sadness was overwhelming. I was on the couch for most of the days. I was drinking a lot. I was feeling total regret and certain I had fucked up my entire life. I had a husband who adored me, two houses, five dogs, a really wonderful life and I didn't want it anymore? What an asshole I was.
(THREE YEARS LATER) 9/26/2017 - This was my acceptance year. My "I finally feel peaceful about how it all went down" year. I had decided to move to Denver. I was no longer beating myself up about my life choices or blaming my ex-husband for anything. I had stopped drinking a few months before so everything was hilariously clearer and I was so excited to finally start my new life after 3 years of wandering around my marital home in a bathrobe! LOL
(OMG! FOUR YEARS LATER) 9/26/2018
I was so busy thinking about my flat tire yesterday and living my life I didn't even realize it was the "day". HAHA! Isn't that nice!?
Here it is 4 years later and there is zero pain. There is no regret. There is no "I should have done this" or "maybe if I had only done that". I am no longer telling myself the shitty story of how it all went down. I actually probably love my ex-husband more than ever as I spent so many years wishing he was different or we were different. Now I just look back with fondness for him and gratitude for the life we had. ❤️
We weren't meant to be together forever but it was a heck of a run that I only feel proud of.
Thank you for indulging me in a stumble down memory lane. And it is important for me to point out how very messy I was and how there would not be present day and thriving me if there were not messy me to inspire me to this point.
I thank God every day for messy me! HAHA!